Come to me my melancholy baby...

Some of you might be wondering why I've been neglecting my Saucy Britches blog, but most of you know the reason why. Since we are all consumed with the final month of pregnancy and preparation for this huge change in our lives, I hope you will forgive my lack of posts.

Since I prefer to talk about baby related things on my other blog, I thought maybe I'd talk about something that I'm sure everyone here has dealt with at some point in their lives; a loss.

In my case it's been the loss of a beloved pet, a family member, and my ankles (okay, they are still there, but I can't really see them!). The first two hurt the most because I know that there is no going back. We'll never get back our sweet dog Patch, or our grandfather, Leroy.

It sounds wrong to say it, but I think in some ways, Patch's death hurt more that Grandpa Leroy's passing. We all spent hours of time with our dog when we were growing up and his gentle snuffling and loyal trot accompanied many of our adventures back in Port Orford. That dog was like a little brother and when I'd come home from the military to visit, he'd always shove that wet nose into my hand and look at me like I'd never been gone. I loved watching my little brother Jackson and our dog Patch grow up together, racing up and down our street and cuddling up together on the living room floor watching television.

Grandpa Leroy lived far away and we didn't get to see him often, but I know that his presence in my mother's life when she was growing up had a tremendous impact and for that we all loved him. You have to admire a man who would marry a woman with 6 kids and raise them all as his own. Leroy had character and lots of it. Hearing the sadness in my mother's voice made me all the more sad that I'd never really gotten to know him that well.

All that sadness really made me contemplate this new life we're about to have. I am so lucky to have amazing family all around me, but most of all, I want to be sure that I help Elise form bonds with her family that is far away too. Part of my way of staying in touch is through this blog, and I am going to make a concerted effort to continue to share and write about my life experiences and Elise's milestones until, of course, she is old enough to write about them herself.

There is something to be said for all these experiences, good and bad, and the older I get the more grateful I am for all the moments that try the soul. I have learned so much in the 6 years that I've been writing here, and even with the bad days, I wouldn't change any of it. I'm glad for all these lessons, and I know that the coming months will provide us with even more opportunities to grow.

Tell 'em that it's human nature...

We were visiting with friends today and we were talking about having babies and the like and the subject of "WHY" came up. It's not something I talk about a lot with friends, mostly because there is a large contingent of people who are opposed to having children. Also because my own experience with taking care of babies & children is sort of unique and I don't think most people will understand.

I never had any naivete about babies or family life. Dad was the Captain, Mom was the First Mate and we, as the crew, did our part. Meals were always planned in advance, strict rules were in place most of the time. I helped with the babies, and around the house and that was expected of me. I had a lot of responsibilities at a young age and it completely colored my personality.

When I finally left home, it was with a rebellious attitude. I was so glad to finally be FREE. I just wanted to do things for MYSELF and the relief of not having anyone to care for or be responsible for was overwhelming. Of course, being the extreme person I am, I took it to the limit. Over time I became a selfish and manipulative person with my own interests being foremost. At some point, it dawned on me that I needed to do something drastically different, or I was going to end up alone.

Then I met Tim.

Our meeting was idyllic in a lot of ways, but I didn't know at the time how much I would have to sacrifice to be with him. That was the turning point. I had an opportunity to go to the U.K. to work, and leave him and everything we had, behind. I wanted what I wanted. I wanted him AND my dream of travel. I asked him if he wanted to come with me, and he agreed, and it was settled.

But, that is when everything went wrong. The orders fell through, and they canceled our trip. THEN...miraculously, it was back on...only this time, Tim said no, he wanted to create a life for us in Denver. He didn't want all of our decisions to be based on the Air Force, so I had to choose between my Air Force career, and the love of my life.

THAT was the awakening. That was when my direction changed. I realized that it felt good to compromise and in the end, I knew I'd be better off with this man, then I would have staying in the Air Force. It really did turn out better than I ever would have imagined. We are much more successful in our careers, and have even been to Europe on our OWN terms now.

So, here we are again...thinking about traveling further away from our young and selfish desires. We left Denver to embark on this new chapter of starting our family. WHY? Why have children? What purpose does this serve? To carry on the family name? There are enough Cooper's in the world! To fulfill our families wishes and desires for more grandchildren? To fulfill our own fantasies about family life? Talk about a selfish desire.

I'm not doing this because of misty dreams of wearing silken pajamas while cuddling with our baby in some quiet rocking chair, I'm not doing this because I especially love all children, (I don't) and I'm not doing this because I think another white kid is the answer to the worlds problems. I'm doing this for my OWN reasons. They may not work for everyone, but deep down, they all go back to the same things.

We are having kids because that's what we're supposed to do. We're supposed to want to die to ourselves a bit and put another person's needs above our own. That is how we were made to attain a certain kind of fulfillment. We do these things because there is a little spark inside us that wants to improve on everything we were given, share the world as we know it, and create a little life that is ours. It's a selfish desire to smoosh our love together and give it a name.

But once he or she arrives, the notion that we live our lives only for ourselves disappears. Then it's all about the idea that you have to give of yourself in every way to bring this child's life to fruition. I think most people need that little push to evolve as people.

My mom once told me that she had babies because that is what people DID back then. They didn't think about it, they just DID it. Well, when my child is old enough to understand, I hope they know that I DID think about it. Day in, and day out, trying to make sure this was the right choice. Baby, you were NO accident. We brought you here because our family had a hole in it that was baby shaped. You didn't NEED to be brought into this world, but we NEEDED you to be in ours.