Tell 'em that it's human nature...
We were visiting with friends today and we were talking about having babies and the like and the subject of "WHY" came up. It's not something I talk about a lot with friends, mostly because there is a large contingent of people who are opposed to having children. Also because my own experience with taking care of babies & children is sort of unique and I don't think most people will understand.
I never had any naivete about babies or family life. Dad was the Captain, Mom was the First Mate and we, as the crew, did our part. Meals were always planned in advance, strict rules were in place most of the time. I helped with the babies, and around the house and that was expected of me. I had a lot of responsibilities at a young age and it completely colored my personality.
When I finally left home, it was with a rebellious attitude. I was so glad to finally be FREE. I just wanted to do things for MYSELF and the relief of not having anyone to care for or be responsible for was overwhelming. Of course, being the extreme person I am, I took it to the limit. Over time I became a selfish and manipulative person with my own interests being foremost. At some point, it dawned on me that I needed to do something drastically different, or I was going to end up alone.
Then I met Tim.
Our meeting was idyllic in a lot of ways, but I didn't know at the time how much I would have to sacrifice to be with him. That was the turning point. I had an opportunity to go to the U.K. to work, and leave him and everything we had, behind. I wanted what I wanted. I wanted him AND my dream of travel. I asked him if he wanted to come with me, and he agreed, and it was settled.
But, that is when everything went wrong. The orders fell through, and they canceled our trip. THEN...miraculously, it was back on...only this time, Tim said no, he wanted to create a life for us in Denver. He didn't want all of our decisions to be based on the Air Force, so I had to choose between my Air Force career, and the love of my life.
THAT was the awakening. That was when my direction changed. I realized that it felt good to compromise and in the end, I knew I'd be better off with this man, then I would have staying in the Air Force. It really did turn out better than I ever would have imagined. We are much more successful in our careers, and have even been to Europe on our OWN terms now.
So, here we are again...thinking about traveling further away from our young and selfish desires. We left Denver to embark on this new chapter of starting our family. WHY? Why have children? What purpose does this serve? To carry on the family name? There are enough Cooper's in the world! To fulfill our families wishes and desires for more grandchildren? To fulfill our own fantasies about family life? Talk about a selfish desire.
I'm not doing this because of misty dreams of wearing silken pajamas while cuddling with our baby in some quiet rocking chair, I'm not doing this because I especially love all children, (I don't) and I'm not doing this because I think another white kid is the answer to the worlds problems. I'm doing this for my OWN reasons. They may not work for everyone, but deep down, they all go back to the same things.
We are having kids because that's what we're supposed to do. We're supposed to want to die to ourselves a bit and put another person's needs above our own. That is how we were made to attain a certain kind of fulfillment. We do these things because there is a little spark inside us that wants to improve on everything we were given, share the world as we know it, and create a little life that is ours. It's a selfish desire to smoosh our love together and give it a name.
But once he or she arrives, the notion that we live our lives only for ourselves disappears. Then it's all about the idea that you have to give of yourself in every way to bring this child's life to fruition. I think most people need that little push to evolve as people.
My mom once told me that she had babies because that is what people DID back then. They didn't think about it, they just DID it. Well, when my child is old enough to understand, I hope they know that I DID think about it. Day in, and day out, trying to make sure this was the right choice. Baby, you were NO accident. We brought you here because our family had a hole in it that was baby shaped. You didn't NEED to be brought into this world, but we NEEDED you to be in ours.
I never had any naivete about babies or family life. Dad was the Captain, Mom was the First Mate and we, as the crew, did our part. Meals were always planned in advance, strict rules were in place most of the time. I helped with the babies, and around the house and that was expected of me. I had a lot of responsibilities at a young age and it completely colored my personality.
When I finally left home, it was with a rebellious attitude. I was so glad to finally be FREE. I just wanted to do things for MYSELF and the relief of not having anyone to care for or be responsible for was overwhelming. Of course, being the extreme person I am, I took it to the limit. Over time I became a selfish and manipulative person with my own interests being foremost. At some point, it dawned on me that I needed to do something drastically different, or I was going to end up alone.
Then I met Tim.
Our meeting was idyllic in a lot of ways, but I didn't know at the time how much I would have to sacrifice to be with him. That was the turning point. I had an opportunity to go to the U.K. to work, and leave him and everything we had, behind. I wanted what I wanted. I wanted him AND my dream of travel. I asked him if he wanted to come with me, and he agreed, and it was settled.
But, that is when everything went wrong. The orders fell through, and they canceled our trip. THEN...miraculously, it was back on...only this time, Tim said no, he wanted to create a life for us in Denver. He didn't want all of our decisions to be based on the Air Force, so I had to choose between my Air Force career, and the love of my life.
THAT was the awakening. That was when my direction changed. I realized that it felt good to compromise and in the end, I knew I'd be better off with this man, then I would have staying in the Air Force. It really did turn out better than I ever would have imagined. We are much more successful in our careers, and have even been to Europe on our OWN terms now.
So, here we are again...thinking about traveling further away from our young and selfish desires. We left Denver to embark on this new chapter of starting our family. WHY? Why have children? What purpose does this serve? To carry on the family name? There are enough Cooper's in the world! To fulfill our families wishes and desires for more grandchildren? To fulfill our own fantasies about family life? Talk about a selfish desire.
I'm not doing this because of misty dreams of wearing silken pajamas while cuddling with our baby in some quiet rocking chair, I'm not doing this because I especially love all children, (I don't) and I'm not doing this because I think another white kid is the answer to the worlds problems. I'm doing this for my OWN reasons. They may not work for everyone, but deep down, they all go back to the same things.
We are having kids because that's what we're supposed to do. We're supposed to want to die to ourselves a bit and put another person's needs above our own. That is how we were made to attain a certain kind of fulfillment. We do these things because there is a little spark inside us that wants to improve on everything we were given, share the world as we know it, and create a little life that is ours. It's a selfish desire to smoosh our love together and give it a name.
But once he or she arrives, the notion that we live our lives only for ourselves disappears. Then it's all about the idea that you have to give of yourself in every way to bring this child's life to fruition. I think most people need that little push to evolve as people.
My mom once told me that she had babies because that is what people DID back then. They didn't think about it, they just DID it. Well, when my child is old enough to understand, I hope they know that I DID think about it. Day in, and day out, trying to make sure this was the right choice. Baby, you were NO accident. We brought you here because our family had a hole in it that was baby shaped. You didn't NEED to be brought into this world, but we NEEDED you to be in ours.
posted by Saucy Britches at
7/19/2008 05:50:00 PM
3 Comments:
babies! i'm reconciled with having missed out on you guys for the last couple of years. i had my own marriage, which isn't really awesome right now. i've been neck deep in school and work. but you 2 were really wonderful for me when i moved here, oh, back in 2003. :-) as you head off into the sunset, which is someone else's sunrise, i wish you both individually and together a wonderful foundation and some weird ass shit. and on with the parties.
be well.
sean
We are the first generation in the history of the planet to be faced with the CHOICE to have children. This is a huge turning point for the world and it's changing our entire society and value system. Reproduction is the driving force for all living things, the only basic instinct that surpasses it is individual survival. So, it BLOWS my mind that we live in a time when a married couple would ask "WHY" you would CHOOSE to have children. That said... I know the question is there because as a generation we are searching for the new "Norm" and we don't just know the answer by instinct anymore. The fact that we can now choose to have children is both wonderful and horrible because the basic act of having to decide to reproduce is entirely unnatural and in someways strips us of our humanity. So, I believe they ask why - not to challenge you or your decision but to try to find an answer for themselves. I wish I had an answer. It means a lot to me to hear you explain why you've made your decision.
Thank you.
It took us years to figure out whether or not we wanted a kid. We had been together for 14 years by the time Amos was born. Better late than never, I guess.
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