saucybritches: August 2005

My thoughts

Work – It is in the forefront of my mind that my time is drawing to a close and each day that passes, I get more and more scared. I’m sure this is the right decision but my future still looks cloudy… I wish I felt more confident in my abilities.

Tim – Sometimes I worry that he doesn’t understand how scared I feel. I’m telling him about it, but I really feel like crying every time I do. What if I am just average? That is my hugest fear…

Kitties – The kitties still hate Daisy. I know it’s going to take a long time, but hearing them hiss at each other all the time is sad…

Wants – I want to keep this house. I wish there was some way. I know that there isn’t and I’m trying to prepare myself for moving somewhere smaller… but this house is my sanctuary. I feel most happy and comfortable when I am here. The room I am sitting in right now was the room where Tim and I decided that we would get married… I’d really hate to leave it.

Needs – I need a new workout plan. I’ve only managed to maintain my weight and it’s discouraging…Three months ago I’ thought I’d make it down to 120 no problem, but after eating right and working out, it still hasn’t happened. Sure, my body fat is lower, but I haven’t reached my goal and that is what bothers me…I need to push myself harder.

Urban Legends Reference Pages: Inboxer Rebellion (Walken for President)

Urban Legends Reference Pages: Inboxer Rebellion (Walken for President)

Oh yeah... duh... :)

Daisy mostly just hangs out in my office because all the other kitties are just hissing at her. Well, to be fair she's the most aggressive one right now... But when she's all alone she's super sweet...

She's so sweet...

Daisy hanging out with me in my office...

Walken 2008 - Official Website

Walken 2008 - Official Website

Is this for real?????

I had to share this cute pic of Tim... he was only 23. Look at that innocent face... AW! :)

Our new Kitty, Daisy...

So, Tim's Ex, Summer, is moving out of the country and is giving Tim back the kitty he lost to her in the *divorce*. He is so excited... He has often talked about what a sweet little kitty she was and that she and Cleo were just like sisters. Anyway, we get her tomorrow and then we will have a giant kitty family. :)

For Ari

This is one of my favorite poems I wrote a long time ago...

flushing past sins down
and they float away
on a dirty little river of my indiscretions
nobody saw my mistake
more up close than you
with stubble and a backwards cap
scraping your teeth against my metallic skin
smearing any black left
across sweaty cheeks
my love sits on my chest
so heavy I can't breathe
I never could
that's how you caught me
made me feel small
made it loud and messy
full and empty
cold and dark
graffiti littered through
my sugar coated smiles
god pulls this deep red velvet
through miles and miles
of brightly colored hopes and dreams
floating and watching down on me and you
shaking his golden head
laughing merrily at all my wrong turns
shaking pale knees
stuttering stilletto heels
moving in time to the rythm of saints
lipstick tastes like wine and
the stain of my devotion
shows on your shadowed face
flowing beats that resound inside
my empty stomach
and my pointy shoulders gliding
far from your sandpaper touch
snagged silk
soft to the touch reminds us
where that burning path took us
and how much it ached
and we part slowly
soles shuffling distances
palms trailing down arms
waking up on the floor
with the sun shining down brightly

Rockin' out with Rev. Bob

Rocking out in the backyard...

Porter, Charleigh, & Sarah

Charleigh finishing off the sake

Tim & Blaine

Me & Rev. Bob

Rev. Bob with Sake

Erin with Sake boxes as pasties...

Erin & TIm

Look! My eyes aren't closed!

Purple is not my color...

I went and tried on dresses for Sheila's wedding today and I so want to upload some of the pics, but in the event that Sheila chooses one of those dresses she tried on today, She might not want everyone seeing it.

So instead you will have to content yourselves with a picture of me (with Sheila chopped out of the picture) in a purple bridesmaid dress and veil... Why the veil you ask? Cause I look cute in a veil dammit!

Oh an by the way, if we do get that dress, it is not going to be purple. It's going to be Teal. The color of gangrene... Just kidding. Sheila says we get to wear black.... *yesssssssssssssssssssssss! She knows me so well...*

Chloe on the other hand has always been a redhead. You know they say people start to look like their dogs after a while...

Emily has decided that she is a Redhead! What will that girl think of next?

entries that might have been...

These are just a few unfinished entries that never quite made to my actual blog…

*
I’m sure lots of people have stories about feeling alienated from their families when they were children. I read this story when I was young about a changeling, a child secretly exchanged for another. In Celtic lore, this would happen when the elves would steal a human child in the night and leave behind one of their own. I was sure that had happened to me and I was very obsessed with Irish folklore after that.

I used to have this sweatshirt, when I was little, that had little white sheep all over it. On the left side of the shirt there was one little black sheep amidst all the others. I used to imagine that I was that sheep, standing all alone in a great sea of sameness wondering where the rest of the black sheep were hanging out.
*
The faucet is dripping again. Okay, not dripping…running. The plumber, I’m told is in the mountains camping, and can’t make it back here until tomorrow. Ahhh, the plumbers of Colorado.
*
Well Everyone...It has finally happened. I am engaged. I know, it's crazy, but it's the most wonderful craziness ever.
*
Drunken poetry

The fiery glow of your kiss
Melts over my solitude
The prickly heat of necessity
Drowns all dreams
Fool my loveliness
Tempt my truths
Mirror my heat
It can’t be more than it is
This fortress of solitude
That floats on your palace of dreams
Milks my soul
And my heart
Until my dreams run dry
*
The flawless arc of her life stretched out
*
Moments of truth
Flickering
Glowing gold
And fading to black
*
You know you’re from Port Orford when…

You can remember each time the Theater in town has opened for business and gone out of business in the last 20 years.
*
pushing wet fingers against the chilled glass
that window inside is fogged
but full of that burning liquid
that wraps you in it's intoxicating warmth
a dark red velvet heat
you step outside and the clouds pour down
onto your feverish head
and the cold heat in your hand
*"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other human invention in history... ...with the possible exception of handguns and tequila" -Mitch Ratcliffe
*
mourning in the morning
the sun and days of sleepy elastic happiness
covered in melty hot summer and clinking ice cubes
following you around wearing nothing but my flip flops
coconut oil drips between my toes
and bees threaten me
my ponytail tickles my back
lucky this yard is fenced
but that day was one of a hundred
and the rain lives here now
we watch the wetness trickle down the walls
and wonder how long it will last

The day is fast approaching. Accuweather quotes clouds and possible showers the day of. *yikes* I really hope that my wedding day is nice....
*

Sunday is Daniel's Birthday.... I won't say how old he is, but it is his Golden Birthday. *throws confetti*

Thoughts for a lazy afternoon....

I saw a cloud today on my way home that was shaped like a giant baseball mitt with a baseball in it. Or it could have been Winston Churchill, I'm not quite sure. I'm very, very sleepy.

Tim bought me a DVD Writer/Player for my new compy. I'm officially kicking ass. Now I can do my pilates in the privacy of my office without the cats looking at me like I'm crazy.

I got some Du-Wop Lip Venom today. Do my lips look plumper yet?
Before

After

I can't tell yet....

Wow, a whole post and nothing but pictures of my lipgloss.

it's 4:51 a.m.

And I'm off to work. You just think about that when your kids come to you and say they want money for college so they are going to join the military. It's your job to tell them that they will have to get up at the ass-crack of dawn for many years to come. I mean, the only people that are up right now are crackheads, starbucks employees, truckers and me. Life stinks sometimes... as of Wednesday, I will have officially, 3 months left in the Air Force. It is going to be the longest 3 months of my life. *sigh*

ViewsOf.com - Pictures of Park Slope, Brooklyn, New York

ViewsOf.com - Pictures of Park Slope, Brooklyn, New York

The neighborhood that Echo and Utku are trying to find a place in. Guys, you are on my mind...Hope all's well.

love,
~e

Views of the mountains on the road to Durango... *sigh* I LOVE THIS STATE!!!

Tim drives while we all look on with concern...

The Beast...

The view from our campsite

Breakfast with Shirley on the bus

My handsome husband inside the Bus...

A touristy picture of us in front of the train...

Another

another

A few views from the train ride...

With my In-Laws on the Durango-Silverton Train

How green was my valley...

Sometimes I think that the devil lives inside my brain. At dinner tonight with Tim’s Parents, (my inlaw’s) I busted out my ”Hung Far Low Cock” joke, like an idiot. I’d already had a couple beers and a couple glasses of wine, but that is no excuse for my poor judgment. My parents didn’t even think that was funny and they are pretty easy going… I busted that shit out in from of the Catholic parents??? What the hell is wrong with me???? *buries head in hands* Lordy, I have two more days with these people. I’m am going to try not to stick my foot in my mouth. We’ll see how it goes…. *sigh*

Cleo being inquisitive...

Paka napping too...

Napping on the couch after work...

The Girls in Gym class called me a lesbian (also titled: When are my real parents coming to get me?) Part I:

When I was about 12, I was obsessed with breasts. I wanted to see them, touch them, and more importantly have some of my very own. I used to squish my skin together in the shower to make little folds and imagine that someday they would be filled out with round plump fleshy breasts. I furiously envied my friend Melissa who had had breasts since she was like 8. I would sneak a look at the Fredericks of Hollywood catalogs that my mom had hidden in the bathroom. I was mesmerized by the firm appearance of the ample bosoms stuffed into cheesy PVC teddies. I would measure myself all the time to see if there had been any growth. There never was.

When I finally went to Public School in the 7th grade, I became all too aware of my differences from the other girls. To be sure I wasn’t the only flat one, but most of the other girls seemed to already be turning into little women. They discussed boys, parties, making out, and drinking. Pretty risqué stuff for Middle School children, and it was completely foreign to me. I was much smaller than them and had very crooked teeth that I was always trying to hide. Even if I’d been to a party, I doubt any boys would have been interested. It was the other girls that were interesting to them. I could understand why…They were always laughing and talking, sitting far away from me on the bus with cute little backpacks, sharing packs of Bonne Bell lips gloss. They were a mystery.

The boys in Junior high smelled. Most of them pretty badly, and a few smelled like some cheap cologne. They looked like children. They were more like me. They didn’t seem to be of much interest to the girls, who were always talking about High School boyfriends. The boys in junior high were just there to make fun of you, squish you on the bus, and talk about the other girls bouncing breasts in gym class. I could hear them speculating about who had the biggest. I knew who did. I saw them all the time in the showers. It was agony trying to cover myself in those group showers with all the girls standing around with their womanly bodies. Most of them were developing in ways that escaped my backwards little body. The worst thing was trying to change discreetly and being somewhat shocked by all the nudity, only to have a girl in the class call me a "staring lesbian".

I wasn’t exactly sure what that was at the time. But everyone seemed pretty grossed out by my presence. I felt awful and ashamed. Why did God give all the other girls breasts and not me? Was I ever going to get them? Or was I growing into a lesbian (whatever that was!)? I don’t remember exactly when I stopped being quite so obsessed. I think eventually I sprouted a couple tiny little “rosebuds” and I tried to make the most of them with padded bras, Kleenex and the like. I would still pray to God and beg him for large breasts, but I also asked him to please make me pretty, to erase my freckles, to make Cedric Reader love me, to make the other kids like me, and to make me cool. He probably wasn’t listening, but the powers that be eventually saw fit to give me at least one of the things I’d asked for. It was one thing that finally got people to stop calling me “Chicken Breast”... A “D-Cup”.

I’m not sure where they came from. I went from a skinny kid to a relatively curvy woman in a pretty short amount of time. It didn’t solve all my problems like I thought it would. It turns out my obsession really served no purpose other than to fill out sweaters. I’m sure my husband would disagree, but in my life, they have been more of a distraction. They have been something that makes all kinds of athletic activities difficult. They make me look fatter than I am, and the older I get, the more inappropriate they seem for most occasions. The novelty has worn off for me, and secretly I wish that God would have spent more time on erasing my freckles. But, we play the cards that are dealt. I can’t say I have it too bad.

It is strange how a few people from high school have asked if I had them “done”. I suppose I can understand their confusion, but I never would have done it. I don’t really believe in altering oneself through surgery. I guess I’m just used to the way I look, and it’s really not that bad. Maybe it’s just acceptance. Or maybe it’s that the mystery of breasts have been solved.

View from Commons Park Bridge

Me and Union Station, and also some other strange dude in the background...

Guys canoeing down by commons park... Not kayaking, canoeing...straight old school.

Maya doing her model pose for the camera...

Everyone at dinner last night for Tim's B-day party... There were actually more people, but I was too busy serving food and whatnot to take their picture... :P