"Past"

When one apologizes, they are admitting guilt. Not that I have a problem with that, I should feel some guilt. I guess I want you to know that yeah, I feel guilty. I never wanted to be that bullshit drama girl. It just happened. And now I stand looking down into the dark valley where I spent a huge chunk of time, feeling remorse for the people that I dragged down with me. It wasn’t about bringing up old pain, it was about letting you know that I am aware that I was wrong and if you ever do think of those memories again, know that I am somewhere out in the world and I feel sorry for letting you see the darkness and destruction. A kind soul with a true heart never deserved that mistreatment. Don’t think about the past, that wasn’t my intent… Just know that you were blameless and right, and I was wrong and very sorry.

That being said, if you are wondering why the past comes to cycle forward again, it’s not because things are bad in my life… It’s because they aren’t. It makes me long for other bright spots in my life, and it makes me wonder about old friends and hope they are happy. I guess everyone isn’t. I’m not making excuses for my bad behavior, but I have since learned some things about life that have helped me grow and change. I don’t want to be bound by old demons anymore. The life that I live now is the best one for me. The place that I’m at is exactly where I’m supposed to be. It was reaching for the thing that scared me the most that allowed me to be happy, FINALLY. I’m sorry that we didn’t have those happy moments like I wanted, and the immaturity ( and the "drinky-drink") was a big reason for that. But also, I was a broken person. I’m not completely fixed now, but I can see the past for what it was. I’d hoped that you could see that too. Maybe someday you will. When that day happens, I’ll be here.